Monday, October 10, 2011 // 9:49 PM
I feel like a mediocre
I so badly wanna at least be good in something.
I'm just walking around the hallways of the academy feeling like a nobody.
Its so diffucult to excel in something.
I don't have to be at the top, but i really wanna at least be amongst the better ones.
Sometimes i hate this competitiveness in me, it spoils everything really.
I enjoy dancing, and many a times, i really don't want this competitiveness in me to affect me.
I bother, I get affected, and I'll get jealous.
I hate this about myself. really.
I wanna dance on my own basis, improve on my own basis. and i want to feel proud and happy when i've done my best.
but no.
i'll always be hungry for more even though i know that at that very moment, i've done the best that i could.
It couldn't be any better even if you turn back time, but i'm always not satisfied.
I'm not satisfied with myself.
I always feel like i need to take the initiative to fight for things that i want.
but seriously Li Ruimin. what makes you think that you're so good.
Hah. ironic. I don't even think i'm good enough, and yet i constantly feel like i need to prove to people that i'm good.
Sometimes i really hope opportunities will come to me and i promise i'll work hard. I really will.
Yes even though i'll open up my stupid mouth to sell myself, but hey i'm not comfortable doing that okay.
I hate this struggle within me. dancing with the seniors makes me feel like i don't have a place anywhere because i'm just a peuny arrogant junior.
It matters to me.
i feel like nothing good has come out of this school year yet.
and it just gets me down.
To put on a face that says everything is fine and school is great, hais. stop it please. I can't even stand myself.
today during 水袖, there was a moment where i felt like i really am dancing and i just wanna keep on going. i was surprised, because i didn't think i will ever feel like that in 水袖, but i did. and nothing the emperess dowager said today can make me feel like punching her. omg. pure magic.
I feel like a loner in school.
I don't feel like i don't have friends. I just feel like....
I don't belong in any clique of friends. and really i'm just a back up plan.
I really wanna work hard for Dance 1
I wanna work hard with everyone.
But why do i feel like we're all scattered everywhere during rehearsals.
It doesn't even feel like we have a common goal to acheive something for our piece.
As tiring as it may be for last year's Dance 1
at least i really feel like the 12 of us are working really hard together to make it happen for our piece.
Its often the rehearsal process that i enjoy most when we're preparing for the performance. Like how i really like rehearsing for cadence with the huay kuan people. Even though our performance kind of suck shit, but i really really really enjoyed and love the whole process. It was really filled with sweat and tears that were totally worth it.
I hope this Dance 1 will be like that (the rehearsing part i mean, not the performance suck shit part)
I really hope.
Its getting more and more difficult to push myself.
Its so diffcult oh my goodness.
I feel like i need to learn how to dance all over again.
Its really difficult to keep encouraging myself and believing in myself when i just wanna look away seeing myself dance in the mirror.
but still
Life is good.
I just need to learn how to climb up with more ease and not let myself slide back down.
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